So.
It's all over and it's all beginning...

Pol was fine. I got through it. I did well. How well is yet to be seen...I guess I'll find out on the 16th of December. But until then, there are just so many wonderful things to do without the weight of study on my shoulders.

Today, I went shopping for the first time in more than 3 months. (I have been deprived, clearly.) I bought two new skirts (which my mum hates and I love ;)) and would have succumbed and bought lip gloss too, if I hadn't realised that I still had to face the most hideous kind of shopping known to womankind.

Bathers shopping.

It's so not funny. It's terrible. And because I still haven't managed to find anything wearable, mum and I have to go out to Chadstone tonight and find something before I leave tomorrow for Sorrento. Yay for the beach...but so not looking forward to the bathers. Argh.

I had a wonderful time with my oldest friend last night. We drank cocktails and went to the movies and ate nachos and took awesome black and white booth photo shots of ourselves...we look so funny :). I wish we'd taken four more...We stayed up talking until about 2am about ... I don't even remember what, but it was great. I hadn't realised how much I had been missing her. Year 12 takes a lot away from us, I think, and not always the things we think it will.

This space will be blank for a week while I'm in Sorrento. So think of me, and wish me luck with the insane group politics of the gals I'm going with, and trying to cope with seeing half my suburb down there at once. I can't even rely on the weather - this is Victoria, after all - but. I can rely on my books. :D Reading for pleasure. Thank goodness for that.

the legacy we leave behind
one hundred little things just to remind you
of how it was in our moments
of glory and pain
our year of triumph

any bets you'll never make
the space we lived in fresh and new again
its very essence imbued now with
the scent of three hundred individual dreams
crammed almost perfectly
into one joyful noisy space
we will remain in spirit

our echoes will reside, as we did
asking our questions, as we
go, wiser
(if not happier or sadder)
on our way.

It's interesting, I was thinking about myself splitting off into different people. The parts of my personality that construct different images in others' minds, the attitude that presents, projects.
The person I was in my college interview
who I am with boys i like
with my girlfriends
my parents
and probably most tellingly
by myself...
She's always different and
always the same...
Mostly I like her though.

(NB don't worry, I'm not mental! just...detached.)

that every new person you meet is worth loving
in some capacity
even if not by you

that hope lasts through whatever you throw at it
time especially

that courage is not finishing, but continuing

and that thankfully
all things are passing
thank god.

Pure white roses bloom
Powerful, precious, perfect
Petals strewn, street-side

Life as a rollercoaster.
Having seen (and enjoyed) "Life as a House", while I would love to believe that my life was as stable as a house, I am well aware that it's not! Straaaaange things are happening to me, as Woody sings in Toy Story (classic movie) - like having five total strangers talk to me on public transport today, totally unconnected to each other, at different times. And say similar things. About me. Things I do not normally believe by myself. Maybe the universe is out to give me a confidence boost?

Romance.
So complicated, so fascinating, and as alluring as a siren on a rock in the middle of the ocean. Maybe this is why I always become so tangled...I can never extricate myself fast enough, or fully. Not that I ever want to...those who I have true romance with are the most interesting characters. Maybe that's it - nothing else defines my loves, purely and wonderfully, and only, the fact that they fascinate me. I am compelled and entranced, beyond words.

These are my thoughts
I cast them out into the sovereign majestic darkness
Glowing from within as tiny opals
Resplendent with light

when i wake up
in my makeup
have you ever felt so used up as this
soul's so sugarless
hooker waitress
model actress
or just go nameless...
- Hole, Celebrity Skin

I should be elated. The history exam was a far bigger success than I'd imagined, or hoped for. I got through it, I filled the space for every question, four pages for the essay, which is definitely enough (considering you have 45 min max...) I was lucky. So lucky, with all the questions. Or maybe I was actually well prepared. I know I'm too biased to know the difference.

The strange thing is, the reason I put that song there, I am being recreated.

Everybody always is, every day, but this time it's different. Loss of structure is partly sad, but the constructs are falling away, like scaffolding around a building, and I'm growing upwards by myself. From now until next March, I am free as a bird. After January I'll know the next structure I'm travelling towards, but at this point in time, I am judged simply, and only, on who I am in this moment, now. No longer as a construct of an institution. Just...me.

Lovely.

It's funny, because the song is how I felt yesterday. Rotting, yet growing through the decay. Like a butterfly, I had to shed the skin to burst out, shining. (Yes, I know it's corny. Shut up! ;)) But now I feel like...

I show up at 3am
She's still up watching Vacation
And I see her pretty face
It takes me away to a better place
And I know that everything
Know that everything
Know that EVERYTHING
Is gonna be fine...

Bring on the freedom, baby, yeah!

Even freedom to study for Pol is far better than the hell that was History study :). And I have a day off tomorrow. Did you hear that? A day off! I'm excited!

And now, I'm going to the movies :) !

So, it's the night before the History exam and I'm finally resigned to my fate. I will sit the exam. I will hope like hell that the right facts come out of my brain, in the right order, and that somehow I find evidence to support my opinions in there too! And I will come out of it alive. (Probably not happy. Maybe crying. But definitely still breathing.) At least, that's what happened last year...

It sounds stupid, but I forget to do normal things when I'm as study-focussed and stressed as I am right now. Like eat. (Which, for those of you who don't know me in person, is very strange. I mostly eat more than anyone I know, teenage guys included!) So then I feel sick...and I feel sick with nerves...and I'm tired cause I work really hard...the whole thing is a bit of a nightmare.

I feel very lucky that I have friends who tell me to take breaks (thanks guys!!) or I would just study myself into total fatigue and collapse...it was a bit like that after the English Exam, in retrospect.

If it seems strange now, that after tomorrow I can relax a lot more, go out a bit, and never have to know that the Tiepolo Conspiracy occurred in 1310 in Venice and it failed, causing the construction of the council of Ten, who grew in influence and power throughout the Renaissance and threatened the freedom of its citizens...ok I'll stop now. But the point is, if it feels strange now, what will it feel like next Wednesday night? Hopefully, pretty good. (Much more likely to be terrified though.)

I'm sitting here waiting for people to come online, and though it should feel like I'm wasting time, it doesn't... I think my brain needed some serious down time anyway.

I don't ever want to have to study like this again. Not for this kind of subject. I don't love it enough...

I am so sick of Florence and Venice. I didn't think I could seriously get sick of places that are (in theory) so interesting, but studying them the way that we are, for this kind of exam, is driving me up the wall.
I don't think it helps that I feel incompetent.
I know I'm not (kinda), but I'm close enough to crap at this that it feels like it's not worth doing it. But it is. So I am.
After Wednesday, I will never have to know any of this again, nor will I want to. Which makes me very frustrated with the system that would encourage students to cram 5 centuries worth of knowledge into their brains for 2 hours, then forget it all afterwards...
Surely there's a better way of doing this?

This is not education.

I have been meaning to create my own quiz. So many of the ones you read on the internet are bloody boring, or they don't give you an *interesting* picture of the person involved. So. This is where procrastination gets us!

Name:
Name you wish you had:
Mental/emotional age:
Favourite food consisting mostly of vegetables:
Song that makes you think of the one you love:
Apples should be: (green/red/yellow/some other colour)
The perfect temperature: (weatherwise)
Most defining personal characteristics:
Favourite carnival ride:
Worst subject in primary school:
Funniest thing that's happened to you in the last week:
Best thing that's happened to you in the last week:
What colour should your toenails be:
Book that changed your life:
Worst book you've ever read:
Music they should play (and probably do) in hell:
Place you feel safest:
In 27 days I will be...:
Perfect roll filling:
Moulin Rouge is weird/wonderful and brilliant/crap:
Best rhyme you've ever heard in a song:
Song that makes you want to cry when you hear it:
Best computer game ever:
I would spend the rest of my life...:
Best smell:
Most irritating celebrity:
I am totally talentless in the area of:
I am a master-genius in:
All-time favourite website:
Best decade of the 20th century:
Religion is...:
Politics is...:
Best pair of shoes you've ever seen/owned:
Catch-phrase:
TV show most like your life:
TV character most like you:
Pick one word to describe your love life:
Person you could debate with forever without getting bored:
Way you would like to end your life (seeing as it has to end sometime):
Best form of confectionery:
If you could play any movie role:

Ok that's enough. I'm not filling it in now - I'll do it later! But if you want to fill it in, post in comments or on your own page and let me/us know, so we can see! I'd like to know what funnie things people say :)

So...it was ok.
Not stunningly brilliant, but good enough that I didn't feel like tearing my hair out when I left :).

I was so happy with my text essays...Strange that I'm not seriously planning on keeping up English or Literature next year, when the texts become so much a part of me that I can deconstruct them and put the essays together in my head with no trouble at all...I guess because I know that Uni is so far from Year 12 in terms of structure that I don't enjoy it. Sad really.

But now life seems...well, it *should* seem significantly more straight-forward. However, life never works like that, and so everything is just as complicated as before, only slightly less stressful and scary. I'm happy with complicated though - glad, actually, cause it's much better than boring! ;) Lots to think about and work out, and more brain space to do it in - very nice! (I have been thinking lately that stress so obviously takes up more brain space than actual study - kinda like tear gas, it takes up all the space in your head and pushes the air out so all you think you can do is panic - instead of hitting the floor and crawling away like any sensible person ;))

Anyway...in other news...umm....
Planning my 18th has been superfun :) though not really on my mind...in the back of...especially organising the BAND!

Which reminds me - I had the *best* time last night.
Spontaneous fun times sing a long with a couple of incredibly talented muso friends... I absolutely LOVED it. One can switch - guitar to sax to piano to voice to clarinet - incredibly talented at all of the above. Almost scary really - makes me feel very small!! And admiring :). Nice just to hang with them and be included - hope I meet many more like them at uni.

Should really go and study now ;) But I'll be back...I can afford to relax now, a bit!